When children experience moments of overwhelm, dysregulation, or emotional flooding, the typical response often includes telling them to calm down. However, this phrase can be ineffective or even counterproductive, particularly for neurodivergent children who may interpret such commands as dismissive or confusing. Instead of demanding immediate composure, consider adopting a more compassionate approach that models regulation and fosters understanding.
Imagine shifting from directives that suppress emotion to language that encourages connection. What if we embraced strategies that acknowledge the child’s feelings and support their emotional journey? This is the essence of co-regulation — a respectful, connection-centered process that nurtures trust, safety, and resilience. To facilitate this, we offer a practical tool featuring positive replacement phrases, along with an in-depth downloadable language guide designed for caregivers, educators, and support professionals.
Understanding Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is the process by which a calm, emotionally available adult helps a child manage intense feelings through empathy and presence, rather than control. It’s fundamental to healthy emotional development. For neurodivergent children, who often perceive sensory inputs more intensely and express emotions differently, traditional behavior management techniques may fall short.
Co-regulation communicates: “You’re not alone in this. I am here with you.”
Why the Phrase “Calm Down” Often Misses the Mark
Using the phrase “calm down” assumes that children can instantly regulate their emotions. However, when their nervous systems are overwhelmed, their brains shift into survival mode, making rational thought inaccessible. This response is not defiance but a physiological reaction. Demanding calm can inadvertently increase feelings of shame, frustration, or fear.
Instead, the focus should be on slowing down, building connection, and validating their emotional experiences. This approach helps children develop self-awareness and emotional resilience over time.
Effective Alternatives: A Neurodiversity-Affirming Language Toolkit
To support a compassionate shift in communication, we created a comprehensive guide filled with affirming phrases and visual cues suitable for various settings such as classrooms, therapy sessions, and home environments. This resource aims to replace reactive language with responses that promote understanding and emotional safety.
Supporting Phrases Paired with Visual Cues
- “I’m with you.” 👣 Footprint icon — signals presence and reassurance.
- “It’s okay to cry.” 💧 Tear in a heart icon — normalizes emotional expression.
- “Let’s pause and check in.” 🤭 Compass icon — encourages mindfulness and self-awareness.
- “Let’s figure this out together.” 🧹 Puzzle pieces icon — promotes collaboration over compliance.
These statements foster emotional safety while respecting individual differences, creating a foundation of trust and understanding.
Practical Language for Daily Situations
- “My tummy feels twisty.” Try: “Let’s sit together and breathe.”
- “I can’t do this!” Say: “It feels hard right now. Would you like to try it together or take a break?”
- “This is too loud!” Offer: “Want to go somewhere quieter or use your headphones?”
- “I’m so angry!” Respond: “It’s okay to feel angry. Would talking about it or having some space help?”
- “Everyone is looking at me.” Reassure: “That feeling is normal. Let’s focus just on what we’re doing right now.”
- “I miss Mommy/Daddy.” Comfort: “I know that missing someone is tough. Would you like to draw a picture for them?”
- “I don’t want to share!” Guide: “You can have a turn first, then we’ll use the timer for sharing.”
- “Nobody likes me.” Support: “That’s a hard feeling. What happened that made you feel that way?”
- “I’m scared.” Validate: “It’s brave to say when you’re scared. Can I help you feel safer?”
- “I hate this food!” Offer choice: “You don’t have to like everything. Would you prefer this or that?”
- “I want it NOW!” Set boundary: “I understand you want it immediately. We need to wait our turn, but I’m here with you.”
- “Leave me alone!” Respect space: “I’ll give you some space and check back in a few minutes. I’m here when you’re ready.”
These gentle, supportive phrases can reduce escalation, foster emotional literacy, and help children develop a more positive relationship with their feelings.
Interactive Support: The Replacement Behavior Phrase Tool
This dynamic tool is designed to assist caregivers and educators in transforming typical classroom commands into neurodiversity-affirming language that encourages co-regulation and emotional connection.
How It Works:
- Select a phrase from a list of common expressions that may be used during stressful moments, such as “Stop that” or “Calm down.”
- Hear a gentle chime that signals the display of five alternative, supportive phrases below.
- Review and reflect on these options, which emphasize understanding, empathy, and connection.
Designed for teachers, parents, therapists, and support staff, this tool promotes connection over correction—one phrase at a time.
Designing a Culture of Compassion
Remember, behavior is a message: it communicates a child’s underlying needs. When a child expresses distress through crying, yelling, or withdrawal, it’s an indication of something deeper. Instead of asking “How do I stop this?”, consider “What is this child trying to communicate?”
Practicing co-regulation involves:
- Remaining curious about their feelings
- Being emotionally present and available
- Modeling calmness through tone, posture, and breathwork
Shifting from reactive responses to supportive engagement can profoundly transform your interactions and create a nurturing environment that celebrates neurodiversity.
What Does Neurodiversity-Affirming Language Entail?
This approach respects individual sensory sensitivities, acknowledges authentic emotional expressions, offers various communication methods, and prioritizes safety over suppression. It’s about affirming that:
“You do not need to change who you are to belong and be safe here.”
Small Language Adjustments, Remarkable Emotional Outcomes
Many educators and families report significant benefits when adopting this empathetic language, including:
- Enhanced trust and stronger bonds
- Fewer meltdowns and power struggles
- Increased emotional confidence in children
A teacher shared, “We no longer try to fix feelings; instead, we feel them together. That’s where the real magic happens.”
Getting Started with a Shift
- Observe your default language—are you saying “You’re fine” or “Stop crying”? Recognizing habitual phrases is the first step.
- Select one supportive phrase—such as “I’m with you” or “It’s okay to feel this way”—and practice using it consistently.
- Display the visual guide—use it in classrooms, at home, or during staff training to reinforce positive communication habits.
Download Your Free Visual Language Resource
Are you ready to transition from correction to connection? Download our printable, shareable guide to start integrating this approach today. 📄
Who Benefits from This Resource:
- SENCOs and inclusion coordinators
- Classroom teachers and teaching assistants
- Therapists and social workers
- Families and caregivers
Final Reflection: The Power of Presence Over Words
You don’t need perfect phrases; you need authentic presence. When a child is overwhelmed, instead of asking them to suppress their feelings, consider how you can offer more support. Showing up with compassion and understanding is one of the most impactful ways to honor neurodiversity and foster genuine connection.
Looking for more insights? Explore our extensive resources on sensory processing, emotional literacy, and trauma-informed teaching strategies that promote inclusive, empathetic environments.