Challenging Behaviour in SEND: Navigating Impulse Control, Demand Avoidance, and the Impact of Shame
Over the last ten years, there has been a notable increase in awareness and understanding of the diverse needs presented by pupils with Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND) within educational settings. Despite this positive shift, a critical gap persists: the complex ways in which certain SEND characteristics interact to influence behaviour. When difficulties with impulse control, demand avoidance tendencies, and feelings of shame converge, they often produce behaviours that are misinterpreted, leading to ineffective support strategies and, in many cases, unnecessary exclusions from school.
This article aims to delve deeply into these three multifaceted needs, explore their intersections, and shed light on why traditional behaviour management policies frequently fall short for these pupils. Recognising these nuanced interactions is essential for fostering a more inclusive and supportive educational environment.
1. Deepening Our Understanding of Individual Needs
Impulse Control Challenges
Impulse regulation is primarily governed by the brain’s frontal cortex, an area that may be underdeveloped or functionally impaired in pupils diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or those with histories of trauma. These pupils often exhibit behaviors such as:
- Difficulty managing emotional responses
- Reacting impulsively without forethought
- Unpredictable reactions in stressful or high-pressure situations
- An exaggerated fear response that can override rational thinking
According to the ADHD Foundation (2024), approximately 5% of school-aged children in the UK are diagnosed with ADHD, a figure that continues to rise due to improved diagnostic criteria and awareness. For these children, impulsivity is not a behavioural choice but a neurological challenge that requires understanding and tailored support.
Demand Avoidance Explained
Demand avoidance involves an intense resistance to everyday requests or expectations. Recognised as a distinct profile within the autism spectrum called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), or sometimes as a trauma-informed response, demand avoidance often stems from a need to preserve a sense of autonomy and control. The PDA Society (2025) emphasises that this behaviour should not be mistaken for defiance; rather, it reflects deep-seated fears rooted in past experiences of chaos, loss, or perceived loss of control.
Children displaying demand avoidance often react negatively to perceived demands, even benign instructions, which can lead to behaviours that are misunderstood as stubbornness or oppositional conduct. Recognising these responses as rooted in anxiety rather than defiance is crucial for effective intervention.
The Role of Shame and Low Self-Esteem
Perhaps the most overlooked yet profoundly impactful factor is shame. Unlike embarrassment, shame is a persistent emotional state characterised by a deep-seated belief of unworthiness. It is often amplified by repeated experiences of rejection, misunderstanding, or punitive responses, which can engrain a negative self-image.
Psychologist Brené Brown highlights that “Shame erodes the core of our self-belief and inhibits meaningful change.” Pupils affected by shame may:
- Anticipate failure as a default response
- Preemptively reject social interactions or support offers
- Engage in behaviours that inadvertently reinforce their negative self-perceptions
This internal narrative often leads pupils to self-sabotage or withdraw, creating a vicious cycle where shame fuels further withdrawal and misinterpretation of their behaviour.
2. When These Needs Intersect
Impulsivity Coupled with Demand Avoidance
Individually, impulse control issues and demand avoidance are challenging but manageable with appropriate strategies. When they occur together, they form a volatile combination. Visualise a pupil who:
- Acts impulsively in response to perceived stress or threat
- Fears losing control and therefore resists any form of demand
- Becomes reactive even to gentle instructions or expectations
This often results in sudden outbursts, flight responses, or shutdowns that are mislabelled as oppositional behaviour. Conventional sanctions and escalation procedures tend to exacerbate the situation rather than de-escalate it, reinforcing the cycle of frustration and misunderstanding.
Demand Avoidance and the Deep Roots of Shame
Pupils exhibiting demand avoidance often attempt to exert control in ways that seem manipulative or defiant. These behaviours are often adaptive responses designed to protect their emotional well-being. Behind these actions lies an urgent need for consistency and predictability, as unpredictability fuels anxiety and shame.
Repeated punitive responses or misunderstandings can deepen feelings of shame, leading pupils to believe:
- “I am inherently bad.”
- “I will never succeed.”
- “No one cares about me.”
Over time, these negative beliefs become their emotional baseline, making the risk of attempting new or challenging tasks seem too overwhelming, as failure is perceived as inevitable and confirming their internalised negative self-image.
The Complexity of All Three Factors
When impulse control difficulties, demand avoidance, and shame coexist, the behavioural landscape becomes extraordinarily complex. These pupils often:
- Reject support or guidance preemptively
- Sabotage relationships with peers or staff
- Appear to choose failure or non-compliance intentionally
- Display behaviours that are labelled as rude, defiant, or disruptive
However, these responses are often protective mechanisms rooted in survival rather than willful misconduct. As the saying goes: “The behaviour is a symptom, not the problem itself.”. The Royal College of Speech and Language Therapists offers resources that help clarify these complex interactions.
3. How Misinterpretation Contributes to Exclusion
Disproportionate Exclusion of SEND Pupils
Data from the UK Department for Education (2024) indicates that pupils with recognised SEND are five times more likely to face permanent exclusion than their peers without SEND. Many exclusions cite reasons such as ‘persistent disruptive behaviour,’ which encompasses:
- Refusal to follow instructions
- Verbal defiance or rude remarks
- Disruptive classroom behaviour
- Inappropriate comments or jokes
- Physical aggression towards others
- Frequent interruptions or off-task behaviour
- Misuse of electronic devices
- Leaving the classroom without permission
- Creating noise or distractions
- Bullying or intimidating peers
- Property damage or throwing objects
- Chronic tardiness or absenteeism
- Failure to engage with learning tasks
When such behaviours are misunderstood as defiance or misconduct, pupils are often subjected to disciplinary measures that ignore underlying needs. This systemic failure prioritises control over understanding, often leading to exclusion rather than support.
4. Transformative Strategies for Schools
a) Reframe Behavioural Understanding
Begin by asking, “What is this behaviour communicating?” Every action has a function—whether it is seeking safety, avoiding pain, gaining control, or establishing connection. If the function remains unclear, employing simple functional analysis tools can initiate meaningful conversations and support planning.
b) Cultivate Supportive Language and Communication
Demand-avoidant pupils require an environment where they feel empowered and in control. Strategies include:
- Offering choices instead of direct commands
- Using non-confrontational language (e.g., “When you’re ready”)
- Steering clear of power struggles and coercive tactics
Such approaches reduce fear responses and foster greater engagement and trust.
c) Foster Emotional Safety and Co-Regulation
Creating a predictable, emotionally attuned environment helps mitigate impulse issues and shame. Practices include:
- Maintaining consistent routines
- Having emotionally sensitive adults available for support
- Allowing time for calming and self-regulation before addressing issues
d) Implement Whole-School Training and Development
Supporting complex SEND profiles necessitates comprehensive staff training. All staff should have access to professional development focusing on:
- Trauma-informed practices
- Understanding PDA and other neurodivergent profiles
- Distinguishing between oppositional behaviour and distress
- Repairing relationships after incidents rather than solely punitive responses
Resources from organisations like Beacon House and YoungMinds offer valuable guidance for whole-school SEND awareness and inclusive strategies.
5. Advocating for Systemic Change
Moving Beyond Rigid Behaviour Frameworks
Current behaviour management systems often rely on zero-tolerance policies, point systems, or strict consequence ladders that inadvertently reinforce shame and fear among vulnerable pupils. To effect meaningful change, schools need to:
- Introduce greater flexibility in responses to challenging behaviour
- Conduct critical reviews of exclusion policies and practices
- Foster a school culture centred on understanding, compassion, and support rather than compliance
The Centre for Mental Health (2024) highlights that exclusions can trigger a downward spiral involving social isolation, mental health deterioration, and increased likelihood of youth justice involvement. Policy reforms should prioritise inclusion and understanding over punitive measures.
FAQs for Supporting Complex SEND Behaviour
What is the connection between impulse control issues and ADHD?
Pupils with ADHD often experience underdeveloped executive functions, impairing their capacity to regulate impulses. This neurological difference necessitates tailored support rather than punitive responses.
How can schools effectively support demand-avoidant pupils?
Use indirect language, minimise pressure, provide choices, and build trusting relationships. Avoid power struggles by fostering autonomy and understanding.
Why is shame such a significant factor in behavioural challenges?
Shame creates a persistent internal narrative that failure is inevitable, leading pupils to act out as a way of controlling when and how they experience setbacks. Recognising and addressing shame is vital for healing and progress.
What can behaviour leads do differently to support these pupils?
Focus on understanding the underlying needs rather than interpreting behaviour as defiance. Employ trauma-informed approaches, adjust language, and prioritise relationship-building.
Are there effective alternatives to exclusion for pupils with complex needs?
Yes. Restorative justice practices, nurture provision, and relational approaches provide more supportive and sustainable pathways for inclusion and growth.
Final Reflection
Impulsivity, demand avoidance, and shame pose significant challenges within educational contexts. However, with increased awareness, compassionate training, and systemic reforms, schools can shift from reactive discipline to proactive understanding. It’s time to ask not, “What is wrong with this child?” but rather, “What has happened to this child, and how can we best support their journey?”.